Should'ing all over yourself?

Hi,

Ever wake up thinking “I should have gotten to bed earlier” followed by the next thought, “if only I hadn’t had that drink/snack”?

You then look at your phone and see zero new messages from that person you were waiting to hear back from. You start obsessing about that text you sent and blame yourself for writing.

Phew 😮‍💨 

So much pressure on what we should or shouldn't be doing. 

I've been should'ing myself lately. Can you relate?

It's a painful spiral of self-aggression. And it’s oh-so-common when living with marginalized experiences.

We’ve learned to overachieve and overwork to compensate for not “fitting in” or “belonging,” so we naturally expect so much of ourselves. When we don’t meet those expectations, we are extremely hard on ourselves. 

We not only judge, but punish ourselves for every action we make (or don’t make). 

We show ourselves little to no grace.

Rather than showing patience, we enact aggression. 

Oftentimes, we don’t even realize how tough we can be. We set the bar so high and it creates these unrealistic expectations.

That’s because self-aggression lives in hiding.

It sneaks up on us. We deprive ourselves of goodness. We think the worst thoughts of ourselves: "why aren't I doing more? I should know better."

A practical first step to take in addressing this aggression towards self is to recognize when we are hard on ourselves. 

The simple act of naming the aggression can allow gentleness, and can lead to a path of healing.

When you notice yourself behaving in ways you don’t like, rather than getting upset, redirect the aggression outward. 

Self-aggression is poisonous to the soul. 

The aggression must go outwards. That can be done by putting it on paper, by singing, moving, painting or maybe by being held by a good friend or therapist :)

We will live our whole lives contemplating how we could have handled situations differently, but rather than pulling apart everything we have ever said or done, we can say it is what is. Things just happen.

There is no benefit to expanding the spiral of self-aggression. Let's try not to make the spiral bigger. 

Don’t succumb to aspects of your life that need improvement, and see if you're able to be gentle through the process.

Invitation for kindness, however that looks like for you.

Practicing breaking the spiral with you. 

Hug hug,

Nora