What your jealousy is actually telling you

Do you get stared at? 👀 

Like people are trying to figure out “who you are” based on your look? 

A common experience of n’betweeners is to “not be gotten” due to our physical appearance, whether we’re racially, culturally or gender ambiguous. People are trying to box us in but often fail to do so, and stare at us hoping “they’ll figure us out.”

This stare obviously feels invasive, painful, and uncomfortable.

Here in Comoros, people stare at me 24/7.

- “Look there is a doll walking! She is so pretty.” A little girl yelled in Comorian to her friends as she pointed at me.

As I walk on the streets of Moroni, the pedestrians’ eyes intensely follow me. It’s not a brushing eye gaze, it’s a stare that can last up to 3 minutes. 

My light skin and nicer clothes can be threatening to the eyes of many Black poor Comorians. 

I’m a mzungu. “White/foreigner” here in Comoros. 

No one perceives here that I’m Comorian. At the immigration line, there are two lines: “Foreigners” and “Comorian.” Upon arrival, about 5 to 10 people will yell at me to go to the Foreigner line, “Vous devez pas être ici” - You shouldn’t be here. My jaw clenches, I take a breath as I’m trying to not lash out my anger. I then firmly say “I’m Comorian. I get to be here.”

I’m not gonna lie, it’s tiring, but at the same time I don’t blame them. I know it’s what comes from my privileges of being an n’betweener.

Many people here are jealous of me. I have so much access that others don’t. Just the fact that I can travel to Comoros is a privilege. Most Comorians never leave the country.

It’s important to note that we all get jealous. It just takes different forms and shapes.

• “Wow he got that job and I didn’t”.

• “They all hung out, but I wasn’t invited”.

Jealousy is the perception that someone could take away something you want or have.

Essentially you’re afraid that you could lose something.

Jealousy is a hard trait to admit we hold. So our jealous reaction can come out sideways.

Maybe you guilt trip your friend for hanging out with other people, maybe you blame them for something they are doing.

As n’betweeners we can get particularly jealous towards one another — especially people who may have similar identities as ourselves — and feel like we have to compete with each other.

When you notice having strong feelings towards someone it is an indicator to stay curious with yourself.

👉 Ask yourself the question: "What am I minimizing in myself right now?"

When you get jealous, you’re actually not seeing your worth. You minimize a part of yourself.

Jealousy is actually an invitation to see yourself more fully. To acknowledge who you are and what you have. 

There is actually nothing to fear. There is enough to go around.

Hugs

The Comorian-Mzungu n’betweener